strength + courage = fearless
Today is the first day as a single woman after twenty four and a half years of being together. Four days before my forty sixth birthday.
The sun is shinning and i’d like to say that the excitement that usually runs through my veins at the thought of another birthday ( not ashamed to admit i love birthdays) but instead after the past few months, specifically since Christmas Eve I am numb to anything. We broke up New Years Day. My decision after spending a sleepless night having caught him texting another woman. A woman i had asked, begged, argued for him to keep away from. Well honey he is all yours now.
So since New Years Day not one day has gone by without us trying to get to the bottom of the reason we have got here. It doesn’t matter how you look at it, what you say, scream, try not to plead, when someone doesn’t want to be with you anymore you have to let them go.
All the while we talked we held hands and consoled each other as we took turns falling apart. He loves me. But he’s been unhappy. If you add it all up all the elements:
He got a new nose, ( he’d always hated it, honestly i’d never noticed) A failed career. Children leaving home. A new obsession with surfing. A new obsession with reinventing himself. New clothes. A new interest in social media (yawn) A predatory peroxide blonde and ladies and gentlemen we have a catastrophic MIDLIFE CRISIS… So…He’s gone to find himself.
We have parted as friends. Single friends with each others blessings to do what and with whom we like. We have left the door open to reconciliation further along the path. His idea (guessing if he finds the grass isn’t greener and tarty mctarty is actually is a tart – quelle horror!) and to be honest if it gets him gone well, yeah, whatever.
Thing is, I already know who I am. I like who I am. I have just spent such a long time thinking of him, worrying about him that the fact that I can just be myself and not the wife of a selfish prick is actually rather wonderful.
Will today really be the day that I go the whole day without crying….?