I play hockey. As in field hockey. Once played on grass now played on Astro. Short skirts, shin pads and mouth guards. Hockey sticks hitting hard balls, very hard. Hockey girls are cool. They don’t mind playing in the winter, the days others may not go out we do. I’ve played in gales and snowstorms. As well as the unrelenting British drizzly rain, which soaks to your skin.
It’s been 3 weeks since we separated. Two days since he properly left tho his stuff is still here. Thing is the last few days we were probably more connected than we had been for a long time. I found him really looking at me and seeing me.
I hadn’t told the hockey girls. I had played 3 matches with them and tried to pretend all was fine. Asked about xmas and new year I did the classic eye roll and sigh summing up the general thank fuck it’s all over without having to go into it. But today, tho not playing I felt like I needed some support. I texted my captain (I’m vice captain) and told her that we were taking some time apart and that he had gone off for a while. Half an hour later she was on my doorstep in tears. She asked if there was anyone else and before I could answer said ‘Is it Kate?’ I felt stunned. She added that she’d found it all ‘a bit fucking weird how she keeps posting on his Facebook and out having a drink with him (imagine my captain as a small Jack Russell who hasn’t had a walk in a very long time,she kind of levitates with energy. Bouncing around the place ready to take on anyone who looks at her a bit odd, she’s aggresssive, fierce and loyal. She’s also a total softie. ) she kept hugging me and telling me she didn’t understand. He was a bastard and she wanted to hit him with her hockey stick. ‘Midlife crisis ‘ I said and you’d thought I’d shouted ‘eureka’ as she jumped with excitement and exclaimed
‘Exactly!! Bastards !! We have periods, babies and the menopause and what do they have? Nothing ! Then they get to 50 and decide to fuck off! And that Kate is fucking unstable, I mean nice girl, I actually quite like her ‘ she looks at me guiltily and changes is to ‘liked her’ making sure I know that her loyalty is with me and I get a sting of tears. ‘But you know she actually didn’t live with her kid for a while, makes me always wonder about a woman who doesn’t have her kid…’ (you have to hand it to her she has an odd way of viewing the world my captain. )’But you, I love you , you’re a strong woman, you are being so strong’ she shakes her head in incredulity and I have to stop from telling her about the sobbing, the rocking, the panic attacks and the wild uncontrollable state of despair that I have been in. Only at that moment I am calm. Knowing she is there. On my side. Is exactly what I needed. I am a very lucky woman, I have just the right kind of friends .
Post script ; the photo relates to hockey. After a match me and a mate have a lucozade and a twirl, somehow it stops a migraine from happening… well that’s what we tell ourselves!