So here I am once more 

Over a month since my first post and yet I am back in the same place. My marriage is over. We have been trying to reconcile only we can’t seem to make it work. We can’t quite, get there. 

Not a question of getting back, as I didn’t want to go back to what it was I wanted to try and find a new us. Rebuild in a bionic man way. Something that was so obliterated had to be rebuilt with new technology. I was sure that we had the power to rebuild us. I wanted to find each other. We found snippets; a belly laugh, a shared glass of wine, a lovely afternoon driving around in each other’s company, nice meals talking, laughing at a TV program. Beautiful kisses. Love making, of the most sensual kind. 

Yet all the time there was a barrier that I couldn’t quite break through. An invisible wall that he was protecting himself from me. It would slip at times and when it did he would lie awake all night in the dark. Finding excuses the next day to put distance between us. And I would lose him all over again. 

To love someone who doesn’t, quite, love you in the way you want, are used to being loved, is agony. It is a scream in the night. It is body shaking, tear streaming agony. It is feeling worthless, ugly, humiliated, and desperate. I despise the confrontational creature I have become so last night I said , ‘enough’ and he said ‘thank god’ .

I thought we could fall in love again. Rediscover the love we had had when we first met. Be together. Only. We can’t. Love is like a blue light that dances between two people. It is of the gentlest of hues. It is magic and chemistry and it doesn’t live here anymore.

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Waiting for the sun to rise

I’ve been awake since 2am. He woke at 4. I told him I hadn’t realised how broken we are. He told me he was trying to find a way back to me.

It’s been 2 months since he left. Since we broke up. It’s been a month since he came back. How long does it take to find someone again? How long til you realise that you want to spend your life with someone?

All this time I have waited for him. Hoping that he’ll allow me back into his mind, his heart. How long do I have to wait? Can I wait a moment longer? Or is there a future waiting for me that doesn’t include him. 

I’m sitting her waiting for the sun to rise. To begin a new day. Is today the first day of the rest of my life. The birds are starting to sing even tho it’s still dark. The only thing for certain is the sun will rise. It will rise and it will set. Night will follow day and day always follows night. We eat, we sleep, we poo,  we fart and we talk and dream and love. It just depends in what order we do those things and still the day follows night. The darkest hour is just before the dawn. I pray that dawn comes quickly. That the suns rays will bring light into the darkness of my heart. To love and not be loved in return is the most painful thing there is. I’m not sure how much more strength I have. How much courage. How to keep the fears less in my heart. 

When will the sun rise?

Trust me, I’m your cheating lying spouse…

 So the husband has gone off for a surf. Looking as excited as a kid and I’m happy for him to go. Open road. Thrill of a surf. 

Only.  He didn’t end up going where he said he was going. Off to see his mate but then the fog freaked him so he ended up stopping earlier than expected as the surf was good where he stopped. And it all makes sense. He phoned me and had a chat. Texted me his plans. In another universe that was all good. 

Only. In the universe I exist at the moment…. where he’s stopped is where he went with her.

Only I know she doesn’t have her kid this weekend. 

Only he phoned me when she was with him before. He was on the beach whilst he talked  to me, whilst she sat in the van. Our van. My seat. 

Only, doubt is prickling in my mind. 

Only, we have said we’ll try for three months if we can make this relationship work. 

Only, I have that sick feeling in the pit of my stomach. 

Only I don’t want to be needy and insecure. I don’t actually want to give a shit. I don’t want to have doubts about his whereabouts as I have never had them before. Only I don’t know if he knows what the truth is anymore. So, how can I trust him? 

But if I withdraw. If I put up the walls to protect myself then I am out of this relationship. Out of this marriage. Out of this house. Will I take these suspicions with me to a new relationship? Will I be forever one of those people unsure and unwilling to trust anyone ever again?

I have Elvis singing ‘suspicious minds’ In my head and I am lost in doubt.

And then he calls me. He sounds so thrilled that he’s had a good time. So pleased to be talking to me, sends me photos of the water and I know that only love and not doubt will see me/ us through this and he’s on his way home to me.

oh hail the man who overshares

Before I begin this post let me be totally clear on one thing; I adore men. I do. I just think you are fab. I don’t understand you, any of you. You are total aliens to me in the way you think, or don’t think. But, you, well, just do it for me. From the stubble on your cheeks to the fluff on your bum. You are all (well, some of you are) great. I have raised two beautiful sons to manhood, so I get that on the whole most of you never really become men. Some of you never truly reach puberty.

So, when I do the whole generalizing thing I hope you’ll cut me some slack. Also, my reference points  are English men but one thing I have come to the conclusion is that you seem to come in two specific camps.

The oversharers and the emotional retards. The ever reclusive, some may say verging on extinct, adult males are such a rare phenomenon that I can’t possibly comment on them. Such a mythical creature you are my dream and fantasy, my holy grail… but I digress.

The oversharers; as the name implies they share. Oh my how they share. Blow by blow, minute by minute on how they feel, how they should feel, want to feel, might feel, could feel and if the wind is blowing in the right direction there is a distinct feeling that they might actually feel…  Somehow they want to talk it through to make sense of it all.

Emtional retards; cant seem to tell you how they feel if their lives and often their marriages depend on it. Managing to tell you that they love you really should be enough, crickey what more would you want?! They tend to, if they do talk just ask you what you want them to say. What you want to hear to stop this emotional shit as quickly as possible.

Yup. Two distinct camps.

Personally I live with an oversharer. My sons, most unfortunately, also have this trait. I know things that I can never, never unknow. My husband’s affair was immediately obvious by the lack of information he was sharing with me. He was telling someone, it just wasn’t me. After the affair ended. I got to hear all about it. Oh my, did I just. I found myself checking myself to not ask anything I didn’t really want to know as there were no filters his end, I was going to hear it all. He talked and shared and I listened and talked and went round and round the houses in all the many thoughts, feelings and reasonings that an oversharer can accomodate.

A few weeks down the line and I was overwhelmed in grief. Not because of the affair, which to be honest seemed a bit crackpot to me. Teenage angst in people way too old, ‘oh its so wrong but it feels so right’ cooed midlife romeo and skankypants. It was the fact that I wanted to be loved. Not in an affair way. Not in an illicit, suspicious paranoid way but in an open fun happy way. Walking down the street hand in hand way. Sunday papers in the pub way. Telling jokes and anecdotes. One man. One woman. I wanted to be loved. Not lurching after a betrayal. Not waiting for the next blow. I wanted to be moving forward.

We went out in to our local town for a spot of lunch and the conversation was awkward. Walking back to the car I told him that I couldn’t do it anymore. This. This waiting for him to come back to me. This waiting for him to love me. The way he used to love me. That I needed to be loved, deserved, craved, insisted upon being loved again and if it wasn’t going to be him then he had to see that I needed to go and find someone who could give me that love or I’d be quite happy on my own. Anything would be better than living with a man who had one foot out of the door. Who was so terrified to truly try on his marriage incase at some point I threw him over. Which he was convinced I would do.

I told him about a man I’d met a few years ago. The husband and I had been having a bit of a tricky patch (no excuse just information) and heypresto Mr Gorgeous appeared. Cultured, interesting, funny, attentive, supportive, oh and a workaholic with a superhectic social life. Such was our ‘textlationship’, how addictive life via text is. He lived in London. We met twice and had a few unsuccessful attempts before I realised that peace of mind was a far more viable option. I missed him hideously. I missed the person I was when he was in my world even more. I was funny, interesting, creative, cultured and as I miserably said to a friend, ‘He saw me.’ Most of all it was his kindness that I missed. He was wonderfully kind to me.

I had never mentioned this before. But, I no longer wanted to hide anything. I also wanted him to see there was life after ‘having feelings for someone else’.When I told the husband about this I expected histrionics, recriminations but instead he looked incredibly sad.

‘You were so unhappy that all you needed was someone to be kind to you? Supportive?’ He asked when the time I had been, I told him vaguely.

‘I would have been devastated if you had left me then.’ He looked bereft and I laughed,

‘As devastated as I have been perhaps?’ I said.

I told him that I had been lucky, it had never really been a viable option for me. The boys the ages they were, the problems he was having at work had meant that my place was at home. Mr Gorgeous was seriously unavailable as a life partner and that was what I wanted. Not a friend. Not a lover. A life partner.

And I think I saw him see me.  The man I have spent a lifetime with actually saw me. Not ‘the wife’ not ‘the boys’ mum’ but me. He saw that I am funny, intelligent, creative, interesting and downright fucking cool.

And so we started to talk.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I didn’t know that grief existed when your other was still alive.

The grief of what has happened, the grief of the present, the grief at the loss of your perceived future. Grief at what you thought were happy times tainted by another’s dissatisfaction. Not enough. Not good enough. Too much. Too bloody much. Grief at the sense of loss. Grief at the down right fucking pain and sorrow that permeates your being.

I’ve lost people. I’ve cried and grieved and felt their loss in days, weeks, months, years. I’ve seen them on the streets and caught glimpses of them passing in cars. Smelt their aftershave and perfume in the wind. Knowing they’re home under the earth had claimed them long ago. But to live with a ghost.

To live with someone who smells, talks and farts like the man I’ve loved my whole adult life and realise that I don’t know him. That the man I loved is dead. Or never really existed in the first place.
I grieve for my belief in him. I grieve for my trust in him. Respect. Loyalty. The knowledge that he had my back. That no matter what he was my biggest supporter my number one fan my… no wait, I don’t think he has ever been that. I think that was how I was with him. I don’t think that was ever how he was with me, so I grieve for the loss of that too. I grieve for the realisation of reality. The cold clinical hard reality that he has never loved me the way that I want to be loved. Maybe he can never love me that way. But then, maybe the truth is that no one can. I’ll pop that in the basket with all the other grievances and go and make myself a cup of tea.

At the end of the day, grief is grief and life is life. I choose life.

Don’t think.. just do

Thinking is just overrated. 

I don’t want to think anymore. 

Infact I’m not going to think any more .

I’m just going to do things. Things that I like to do. 

I’ve booked a couple of days in Bath, which appears so quintessentially genteel English that I think it may just calm me the fuck down. Bit of walking in the footsteps of Jane Austin, beautiful architecture and some time spent on the rooftop thermal baths is enough to have my soul murmuring in approval.

No more thinking, just doing. 

Strength + courage = fearless

Oops I have a broken heart..

I was thinking of a few pithy titles but the simple truth is, I have a broken heart. Instead of the smooth rhythm and blues my heart usually plays, with a bit of hard rock, country and occasional soul instead it’s gone Jazz. 

I have a condition called pericarditis. I have pain, breathlessness and a reading from a machine which goes beep when it really should go bop. Popped to see my Doc as I just ‘didn’t feel right’, lots of hand patting and ‘I’m sure it’s nothing to worry about but just to put your mind at rest have an ECG’. Only after 3 ECG’s head scratching worried looks and being asked in as many ways possible ‘you ok?’ I was in hospital with a cannula in my arm having X-rays, blood tests and people waiting for me to drop dead.

It was a toss up between pulmonary embolism (blood clot) pericarditis (Inflammation of the sac around the heart) or good old fashioned heart attack.

Blood tests ruled out 1&3 and I was allowed to leave to go home with number 2.

Back to hospital 4 days later and no change. My heart is beating in a different way. As simple as that. No wonder I feel a bit odd. 

I don’t want to die of a broken heart. He’s still here. He doesn’t tell me the things I think I want to hear. He hasn’t really done any grand gestures. There are no love notes under my pillow. But he is here. We have had some magic within the quagmire. That’s enough to hold onto. 

Feelings of worthlessness have been replaced by feelings of wondefulness. I am wonderful. If other people struggle to love me the way I want to be loved that’s their shit. I get to love myself in every way possible ( think Woody Allen’s quote)  and then some. I’m going to be my own best friend because I am amazing and i know how to make myself happy. 

Strength + courage = fearless

Has the train gone yet..? 

One of the biggest things that has happened,  is me knowing that something was going to happen. Like an animal constantly sniffing the air I knew that danger was coming. I couldn’t tell you when I sensed a change was about. But I knew the minute she walked into my house who the predator was.

By November of last year I said to a friend that I felt a train was coming. I could feel it as in the old cowboy and Indian films when a Native American had their ear to the train tracks to hear the rumbling. I just didn’t know when it would come. How fast. How hard. I knew there was a chance I would be hit by it. That I could be obliterated by it. 

By Christmas I could hear it and feel it in every movement. It was in my house, moving around my husband. It was in our van with the mysteriously moving mirror cover which moved even tho I hadn’t been in the van. Every time I got in it it was half open. It was in the way he kissed me. It was the way he looked at me. 

When the train came in he was on it. He was on the bloody train. She was the driver: Skankypants and he was with her. I managed to get the boys safely behind me and I did my best to get him off that bloody train. The train that would derail and ruin him. If he carried on the train he would self destruct. He would be lost forever to me.  The boys would never forgive him for leaving us for her. Was it even her he was leaving for? Did he just want to find something because he felt so lost. His career was teetering, his boys grown up, he needed glasses to see and hearing aids after years of damage was it any wonder that a new shiny toy might be just what he thought he wanted. 

I managed, like a Native American riding a horse along side the train ( back to old movies again) I dragged him off that train. We landed on the platform. Disorientated. Whirled around by the whoosh as it passed us. Smoke in our faces. The taste of tears from the impact. Checking for injuries. Only the train slowed down. It has more carriages than I had allowed for. I could see him looking at it. He saw a shiny steam train that was unusual and interesting and everyone else thought wonderful. I saw smelly, worn around the edges with bad touch ups and had had a fair few people ride in it ( if you know what I mean). 

The train waited for him, the slow heady sound of a waiting locomotive. 

I looked at him and he looked at me. The more I look at him and he looks at me the less I can tell if there’s a train still there, waiting. And if it is. Does it matter if he’s not going to get on it? If he has stopped looking for the train does it matter anymore. If all he sees is me. 

If you have ever seen a mother scold her child when he has run off and she can’t find him reunited she is panic stricken and trembling she flies between kissing and berating  them. 

He got off the train to be with me. He wanted me. But I couldn’t understand why he’d been playing by the railway track anyway. Didn’t he know it was dangerous? I couldn’t watch him board the train. I heard it leave. I felt my tomahawk fall to the floor. I guess I was never going to win. But I would choose to be an Indian any day of the week. Fearless, strong and courageous. When the train derails I won’t be there. 

Strength + courage = fearless