So the husband has gone off for a surf. Looking as excited as a kid and I’m happy for him to go. Open road. Thrill of a surf.
Only. He didn’t end up going where he said he was going. Off to see his mate but then the fog freaked him so he ended up stopping earlier than expected as the surf was good where he stopped. And it all makes sense. He phoned me and had a chat. Texted me his plans. In another universe that was all good.
Only. In the universe I exist at the moment…. where he’s stopped is where he went with her.
Only I know she doesn’t have her kid this weekend.
Only he phoned me when she was with him before. He was on the beach whilst he talked to me, whilst she sat in the van. Our van. My seat.
Only, doubt is prickling in my mind.
Only, we have said we’ll try for three months if we can make this relationship work.
Only, I have that sick feeling in the pit of my stomach.
Only I don’t want to be needy and insecure. I don’t actually want to give a shit. I don’t want to have doubts about his whereabouts as I have never had them before. Only I don’t know if he knows what the truth is anymore. So, how can I trust him?
But if I withdraw. If I put up the walls to protect myself then I am out of this relationship. Out of this marriage. Out of this house. Will I take these suspicions with me to a new relationship? Will I be forever one of those people unsure and unwilling to trust anyone ever again?
I have Elvis singing ‘suspicious minds’ In my head and I am lost in doubt.
And then he calls me. He sounds so thrilled that he’s had a good time. So pleased to be talking to me, sends me photos of the water and I know that only love and not doubt will see me/ us through this and he’s on his way home to me.