Over a month since my first post and yet I am back in the same place. My marriage is over. We have been trying to reconcile only we can’t seem to make it work. We can’t quite, get there.
Not a question of getting back, as I didn’t want to go back to what it was I wanted to try and find a new us. Rebuild in a bionic man way. Something that was so obliterated had to be rebuilt with new technology. I was sure that we had the power to rebuild us. I wanted to find each other. We found snippets; a belly laugh, a shared glass of wine, a lovely afternoon driving around in each other’s company, nice meals talking, laughing at a TV program. Beautiful kisses. Love making, of the most sensual kind.
Yet all the time there was a barrier that I couldn’t quite break through. An invisible wall that he was protecting himself from me. It would slip at times and when it did he would lie awake all night in the dark. Finding excuses the next day to put distance between us. And I would lose him all over again.
To love someone who doesn’t, quite, love you in the way you want, are used to being loved, is agony. It is a scream in the night. It is body shaking, tear streaming agony. It is feeling worthless, ugly, humiliated, and desperate. I despise the confrontational creature I have become so last night I said , ‘enough’ and he said ‘thank god’ .
I thought we could fall in love again. Rediscover the love we had had when we first met. Be together. Only. We can’t. Love is like a blue light that dances between two people. It is of the gentlest of hues. It is magic and chemistry and it doesn’t live here anymore.