There is a sound that your heart makes when it breaks.
A tangible, audible noise which is impossible to put into words. Only when it happens to you do you recognise it for what it is. There is a silence which permeates you afterwards. Shock? Bewilderment? Or just a strong sense of knowing that your heart is broken. Your mind goes into a stillness that usually only years of meditation can help you master.
The ego may rant and rave. The tears may fall out of your eyes. The breath still circulate in and out but inside there is an emptiness. A deep hollow emptiness where once there was a wholeness. And the sound, the sound reverberates around you, in you, of you. You are that sound. That sound is you.
A broken heart.
I have become one of the lonely people. I sit in a restaurant to have an early lunch. Slightly self conscious at occupying the table for four just by myself, until i notice as table by table solitary people come in and sit down. Within ten minutes six tables are occupied. No eye contact. Just order the food and eat in silence. The air is permeated by loneliness or maybe it is just aloneness.Maybe it is just me that feels lonely.
Before when people would ask me ‘And how are you?’ I could find the words. Sometimes too many. The anger, accusations, rage, desolation, loneliness, betrayal and bewilderment would be voiced. Now, when, if people ask I simply say,
‘I don’t know. But I think i’m ok. ‘
I don’t know what the future holds. Plans I’ve made sit there looking at me. Maybe I don’t need to know. I wonder how long it takes to heal a broken heart maybe I should ask Mr Google, tho he hasn’t been particularly helpful upto now. Battered by the torrid emotions it’s just easier to sit and be. Not worry about anything. Not think about anything. Listen to music. And surrender.
Surrender to what is.
Let go of what was.
Have faith in what will be.