Only…

Two days later. Only 2 days and I am back to sobbing again. 

Too painful. My heart just keeps breaking. It’s over. It can never be anything but over as he thinks he might, just slightly, he’s not sure,  but he thinks … he’s in love with her. 

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Last night…

He came back. 

Begged for forgiveness and a second chance. In twenty four and a half years he has never done either. We have never been in this position before, we have always been together even when we have been drifting along I never doubted his love. Until this time. The devastation was complete. 

We talked. About her. About him. He was honest. I slapped him so hard around the face his ear rings, my hand hurts and there is a faint bruise on his cheek. I take no pleasure ( it is the first time I have ever hit anyone) and yet I feel justified by the pain he has caused me. He hangs his head in shame. 

And then when the anger subsides and I hear his words I know that I will give him a second chance. That I will forgive him. That she is nothing and I am everything. 

Spring will always follow Winter. 

Strength + courage = fearless

Re: i need some new friends … 

I play hockey. As in field hockey. Once played on grass now played on Astro. Short skirts, shin pads and mouth guards. Hockey sticks hitting hard balls, very hard. Hockey girls are cool. They don’t mind playing in the winter, the days others may not go out we do. I’ve played in gales and snowstorms. As well as the unrelenting British drizzly rain, which soaks to your skin. 

It’s been 3 weeks since we separated. Two days since he properly left tho his stuff is still here. Thing is the last few days we were probably more connected than we had been for a long time. I found him really looking at me and seeing me. 

I hadn’t told the hockey girls. I had played 3 matches with them and tried to pretend all was fine. Asked about xmas and new year I did the classic eye roll and sigh summing up the general thank fuck it’s all over without having to go into it. But today, tho not playing I felt like I needed some support. I texted my captain (I’m vice captain) and told her that we were taking some time apart and that he had gone off for a while. Half an hour later she was on my doorstep in tears. She asked if there was anyone else and before I could answer said ‘Is it Kate?’ I felt stunned. She added that she’d found it all ‘a bit fucking weird how she keeps posting on his Facebook and out having a drink with him (imagine my captain as a small Jack  Russell who hasn’t had a walk in a very long time,she kind of levitates with energy. Bouncing around the place ready to take on anyone who looks at her a bit odd,  she’s aggresssive, fierce and loyal. She’s also a total softie. ) she kept hugging me and telling me she didn’t understand. He was a bastard and she wanted to hit him with her hockey stick. ‘Midlife crisis ‘ I said and you’d thought I’d shouted ‘eureka’ as she jumped with excitement and exclaimed 

‘Exactly!! Bastards !! We have periods, babies and the menopause and what do they have? Nothing ! Then they get to 50 and decide to fuck off! And that Kate is fucking unstable, I mean nice girl, I actually quite like her ‘ she looks at me guiltily and changes is to ‘liked her’ making sure I know that her loyalty is with me and I get a sting of tears. ‘But you know she actually didn’t live with her kid for a while, makes me always wonder about a woman who doesn’t have her kid…’ (you have to hand it to her she has an odd way of viewing the world my captain. )’But you, I love you , you’re a strong woman, you are being so strong’ she shakes her head in incredulity and I have to stop from telling her about the sobbing, the rocking, the panic attacks and the wild uncontrollable state of despair that I have been in. Only at that moment I am calm. Knowing she is there. On my side. Is exactly what I needed. I am a very lucky woman, I have just the right kind of friends . 

Post script ; the photo relates to hockey. After a match me and a mate have a lucozade and a twirl, somehow it stops a migraine from happening… well that’s what we tell ourselves! 

I need some new friends…

‘You really know who your friends are in a time of crisis….’ 

In a time of crisis when my whole world shifts and is in grave danger of irretrievably falling apart the phone is a lifeline to safety. The safety of your friends, the ones that you have carefully emotionally fed over the years, looked after and had more than a few belly laughs with are imperative.

I kept the circle small. 

At first I only told one friend, my voice of reason, my northern light who always kept the path clear for me. I had a lovely chat with a girlfriend before she went back overseas and her love and compassion for me helped no end.  Then my oldest friend who was all ready to come over to mine with wine and drugs (forgetting that I don’t partake) but it made me smile, her willingness to drop everything to hold my hand. My mother, gulp, mostly because the boys knew and she takes them out and I didn’t want her to say something unintentionally which would be difficult for them. Luckily my skills as a dog handler (think pit bull that hasn’t eaten for a while ) managed to keep her calm and actually she’s been rather wonderful. 

So then I told a couple of other friends, one that I would class as a best friend who had been downgraded to a good mate after she left her husband and moved in with a bald headed carpenter and morphed into another creature. How can people change so much?! And another mate who had been thru a separation and reconciliation. These were  my ‘get you back out there’ gals. My ‘put your red lipstick on we’re heading out’ pals. 

Think there’s something wrong with my phone. Only they haven’t texted back. 

Bollocks lost my husband, lost my mates.  

so when…

img_0351When you know your marriage is over and realistically, logically and for the sake of your health ( mental and physical ) you can no longer be in a relationship with someone (Obviously we are ignoring the fact that they no longer want to be in a relationship with you) when do you actually tell people?

Be under no illusion the boys know. One thing that beats having your heart smashed to pieces is watching your beautiful adult sons become snot and tear soaked messes. Their hearts breaking and asking ‘why?’ with you rooting around in your mind for some kind of answer which will make sense. Like wandering the catacombs in the dark I have no answers. Me, the one who has an answer for everything. The problem solver extraordinaire is flummoxed.

‘How could you do this to Mum?’ one asks his father who shrugs and says ‘I have to go and find myself, see who I really am..’ his voice trailing off pathetically. I can hear ‘selfish prick’ muttered under my son’s breath, yup that’s my boy and I have an absurd rush of pride.

We live in a small place. If I say people know the colour of your pants when you leave the house that’s not all they know about you. They know everything and if they don’t , they will feel free to make it up as they see fit. They also have memories. Someone could have snogged someone at a party 10 years ago but it will never be forgotten and they will always be know as ‘Harry, you know who snogged his wife’s sister at the Hunters Christmas Party’. So the end of a marriage, especially one so long that has produced children who went to the nursery, junior, middle and secondary school from around here is going to send shock waves.

Or maybe it won’t.

Which is worse: people being saddened or people saying that they could never understand how I’d put up with him for so long.

Crap. I just don’t want to do this. He’s off having a jolly and I’m here. Maybe I should just put a banner up outside the house.

‘WE ARE STILL FRIENDS BUT HE’S HAVING A MIDLIFE CRISIS AND FUCKED OFF TO FIND HIMSELF.’

Reckon that’d work a treat.